Know. Know.
Dunbar’s number states that a person is capable of really only having 150 meaningful relationships at one time. There are all sorts of things that factor into this. We could probably assume some like limited time and energy. We attribute our limited resources most simply to the fact that we are created, finite, beings. We just cannot keep up with everyone; for the life of me, I cannot remember my mayor’s name at this moment. Dunbar’s number ought to certainly humble us; we can’t do everything. But, it should also energize us to do some prioritizing. Who are we spending time with? Who knows you, and who do you know? And why in the world does it matter at all?
Being known surely must be at the top of the list of primal desires. At base, a human being wants to be known, wants to be understood and loved. Some seek affirmation from others. We all have friends who share many of life’s pleasures in common with us. Many spend large portions of their lives looking for a spouse. We can all affirm the desire for a spouse. In the garden, Adam was at one time without a “helper fit for him” (Gen. 2:18). So, God created Eve, and Adam exclaimed: “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh” (Gen 2:23a). We all want to be known in a meaningful way. This innate desire should cause us all not to simply sit around and wait for people to get to know us but to get to the work of knowing others. To take the initiative. To pursue friendship with others. To one know others needs, desires, fears, struggles, and joys. We ought not to live self-centered lives. For, the Lord does call his disciples to “Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor…. Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality…. Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another” (Rom. 12:10, 13, 15). But we must ask, why does it matter? Without those to focus our energy on, we might find ourselves not with 150 meaningful relationships but 300 unfocused and unfulfilling ones; relationships where we are neither truly known nor truly knowing anyone in anything other than a superficial way.
Whenever we read the Bible, we should look for certain markers in a passage that helps us understand what is being said. One of those markers is repeated words. If we look at all of Paul’s letters to the churches, there is one repetition that we should notice. Paul often spoke of “one another.” Take a look at the Romans text above. Paul uses the phrase one another three times, and gives, at least, two concrete examples of one another activities; there are more in the full text. Being a disciple of Christ is to one another in the ways God calls us with fellow disciples.
God has created us to live in communion with Him and with others. We need this. We ought to pursue this design. Knowing and being known is lived out in the context of one another activities prescribed in the scriptures. But, I cannot weep with those who weep if I do not know that they are weeping. And, I think, more importantly, I cannot weep with those who weep if I do not have a meaningful enough relationship with them to know they are going through one of the hardest circumstances of their life. Intimate knowledge of a person is not ordinarily available to just anyone and everyone. Intimate knowledge is privileged knowledge. It is for those we trust and are close with. Knowing others and being known by others enables us to live as God calls so that we might in any and every circumstance hold out to one another the glorious gospel grace of Christ that has brought us all into a known and know relationship with the God who created us. Therefore, we ought to pursue meaningful relationships with fellow Christians. (Side note: we also ought to pursue meaningful relationships with non-Christians as well. Those relationships will look different than Christian ones. But, when we extend grace and love to those who do not know and are not known by Christ, they get a glimpse of the glories of the gospel and the beauty of true life. That, however, can be another blog post).
Now, we can only maintain so many meaningful relationships. I am not going to tell you who you should not invest time; invest in anyone. What I want to tell you is that there is a divinely ordained venue in which disciples can one another with fellow disciples. Every context in which Paul commends one another activities is in the daily and ordinary life of the local church. When he wrote to the Romans, he wrote to the Roman church. When Paul said “For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another,” he was writing to the church in Galatia (5:13). Paul commanded “addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart” to the church in Ephesus (5:19). Paul called the church in Colossae to “[bear] with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, [forgive] each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive” (3:13). We could go on and on with the dozens of one another passages not only from Paul, but James, the author to the Hebrews, Peter, and John. These are all written to local churches or groups of local churches. The biblical authors are ultimately calling these churches to live out the one another commands in the context of the local church to which they belong. In short, church members are called to one another with fellow church members. It is in the context of the church these things are lived out, and it is church membership that provides a clear path to those who we should think about when we want to be obedient to these commands. Are you a member of Renovation Church? One another with your fellow church members! Are you a member of Covenant Church? Do the same! Are you a member of a church elsewhere? Do the same also. Who are you hanging out with Friday night? Hang out with whoever, but there is a readymade list of people you can pull from; it’s called a membership directory!
It is clear. It should be without controversy. God has called us to one another. We are called to know others and be known by others. The context in which the one another passages get lives out should primarily (not exclusively) be your local church with your fellow church members. Remember, we only have so much social capital. We can only maintain so many relationships. Do not lose out on the blessing of one anothering in the context of those who should know you and you should know.